


The Odinsson

by Tote



Category: Thor (2011)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Parallels, Deliberate Badfic, M/M, Satire, Thor the Movie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2012-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-08 12:42:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/443316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tote/pseuds/Tote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fandral begins to notice how unfairly Loki is treated by the others, especially with Thor out of the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which There Is A Recap and Other Stuff

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PragmaticKatharsis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PragmaticKatharsis/gifts).



> THIS IS A SATIRE. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RIDICULOUS. This is my first work on here. God, I am so ashamed. 
> 
> I can't actually write a serious fanfiction with my fave ship, so this will have to do. Came about because pragmaticKatharsis (Look her up on here! She does actual goodfic, lol!) told me I should write some fanfiction and I am a dick.
> 
> This is also available on my tumblr under my drabble tag: totemeister.tumblr.com/tagged/drabble
> 
> A recap, and then eventual extreme male on male butt-touching. No I didn’t use proper grammar or spelling nor did I bother looking this over because shut up is why.
> 
> Read at your own risk.

Okay so I was watching this movie

And I really liked it

So now I’m gonna write some stuff about it

Probably fanfiction maybe

But in case you guys didn’t see it I’m gonna add some background

So you understand

Once upon a time there was this place called asgard, right?

And like, I know that sounds kind of like ‘ass-guard’, but that is for a different story so fucking stop thinking about it and pay attention.

You can’t, can you?

Well, okay, just don’t get too distracted by it, I guess.

I mean, it is kind of related a bit, maybe, but it’s not completely important right now.

Where the fuck was I?

Oh yeah, so, in this place, there was a king named Odin and he had a wife named Frigga (she was a motherfucking bad-ass, let me tell you) and he kind of knocked her up.

But then, like, probably sometime after she had the baby, which they named Thor, there was a war on this one place called Midgard. Which is apparently some bullshit name for Earth. No, well. Midgard sounds cool. I redact my previous statement.

Anyway, these big people called Frost Giants who are kind of monsterlike were all, “We need some more frozen-ass wastelands let’s attack Midgard for no reason and turn it into Ice Hell.” Except it was kind of more like they were pissed off that they lived in this shitty ass frosty cone snow-globe and wanted to ruin everyone else’s lives.

Well, Odin decided to help Midgard because the people worshipped him as a god. It’s really great he decided to help, but I wonder if it was just because he wanted more subjects? Oh well, gift horses and mouths.

So Odin brought an army of Asgardians to Midgard and then they ended up eventually on Jotenheim, the place where the Frost Giants live and they killed a bunch of Frost Giants and the king of them, Laufey, was bested and whatever and they had their super powerful ace-up-their-sleeves magic icecube dealio taken away. It was put in Asgard’s treasure room later, on top of this really obvious, stand-out pedestal.

Everyone’s heading back to Asgard and Odin’s wandering around and hears a baby crying. Apparently Laufey threw away a runt-baby and left it to die in a temple, so Odin took it back home with him so he could use it as a political tool later on. What a dick.

He even named it: Loki.

Loki and Thor ended up being brothers and of course Odin and Frigga conveniently left out the part where Loki was adopted and also an unwanted Frost Giant runt-baby, but wait, not just any unwanted Frost Giant runt-baby; LAUFEY KING OF THE MONSTERS THAT ATTACKED MIDGARD AND ARE OFTEN THE BUTT OF MANY ASGARDIAN JOKES BECAUSE AGARD KICKED THEIR DOUCHEBAG MONSTER ASSES’ unwanted Frost Giant runt-baby, for like. A thousand years or some shit. They also decided it would be cool to favor Thor over him and also no one really liked Loki for any actual, justifiable reason that was ever revealed or pointed out. I mean, other than that he was a little odd and liked to play the occasional tricks.

But yeah, so everyone only hung out with him because Thor was like some cool-ass, popular, attractive, outgoing, charismatic-but-oblivious-and-obtuse-yet-still-somehow-kind-hearted, strong-as-an-ox jock at a small highschool where everyone wanted to please him or to get in his pants with a nerdy-quiet-kind-of-odd younger brother who everyone just kind of paid attention to because he was Thor’s best friend and no one could understand why, but put up with it anyway because Thor was an angel.

Thor’s friends had to put up with Loki the most because obviously Thor dragged him along on every mission because his brother was fucking awesome no one could tell him different what did you say something bad about my brother you shut the fuck up or I will pound your face off with my fists you got it right off of your head it will be my fists new face except that if it was I would cut off my own hand because wow you are a complete asshole and no one would ever want your fucking face yeah you gtfo bitch don’t you open your slut mouth to talk about my awesome brother again unless it’s to sing praises of his many heroic and trickster-y exploits motherfucker

Robinhood, Gimli, Samurai Jack, and Xena were Thor’s besties and they had this cute little group name, but whatever.

They pretty much were forced to hang out with Loki and Xena never really seemed to like him at all, even from the first time she was on screen. She’s kind of a bitch. She’s probably just jealous of how much attention Thor gives to Loki.

Robinhood and Gimli didn’t really seem to have a problem with him, but well, let’s face it. They’re kind of stand-up guys in this movie, anyway. I’m not too sure about anywhere else, but they were at least behaving for this.

Samurai Jack wasn’t a complete dick until later, so he kind of tricks you into thinking he’s a nice guy and likes Loki, too.

Anyway, later on, some stuff happens, Thor and company are all grown up and it’s the adult years and, like a coronation and whatever takes place so Thor can finally be on the throne and be king or whatever because Odin loved Thor more and because Loki never wanted to be the king, he just wanted to make sure his brother could be all he can be the army

Well the coronation is interrupted by Frost Giants who all die and Thor is really pissed off and shit and wants to go march right into Jotenhiem like a dumbfuck and start a war with the snowmen. Daddy gets really mad at Thor because he’s SO FUCKING STUPID and tells Thor off a bit, then some angry stuff happens and Thor flips his shit and a table, then Loki is trying to calm him down. Then Xena and Thor’s fanboy club arrives. She’s too busy being a condescending bitch and casting disdainful glanced toward Loki to notice that there’s a bunch of food on the floor like Gimli and Robinhood do.

Some other crap happens and then they end up in Jotenheim even though they’re not supposed to be there and Loki’s like, “We should go back to the castle because this is kind of dumb” and Samurai Jack points out the obvious, that they shouldn’t even be there. It’s kind of like, his only purpose, honestly. Well, then they talk to Laufey and Thor fucks that all up to hell and there’s a huge brawl involving Thor, Loki, Xena, and the fanboy club where he kills a bunch of frosty bros and causes a shitton of damage

Also by the way this was mostly unprovoked and Loki kept trying to get everyone to leave but Thor is a fucking dick. Gimli’s arm gets a nasty case of frostbite-holy-shit-treat-me-right-now-or-this-arm-is-gonna-fall-off, Loki’s arm gets grabbed, too but it just reveals some really disturbing Frost Giant blue news to him, and Robinhood gets stabbed through the shoulder with a huge ice spike and everyone has to leave but Thor is busy showing off eventually while they’re on the run, Odin shows up and has to fix things but he can’t Thor started a war what an ass okay that got really out of hand here let me get to the point.

Thor gets banished from Asgard and sent to Midgard for being a selfish dickhole and even then, Loki tries to stand up for his idiot brother except Daddy is very angry and basically screams at him to stfu. When Loki tells now Xena and Friends about Thor’s banishment, everyone is all for trying to get him back even though he just fucked massive amounts of shit up so Loki points out that’s not a good idea and reveals-

THE WHOLE EXPEDITION TO JOTENHEIM WAS A TEST FROM LOKI TO THOR TO SEE IF HIS BROTHER WOULDN’T EVER BE THAT STUPID. Except he is. And he was.

Everyone’s kinda mad and Loki leaves and Xena’s all pissed off about the secret test and accuses him behind his back and everyone except Robinhood goes along with it.

See, this is the thing.

Robinhood is the nice guy here and obviously the only intelligent dude out of this whole mix because Samurai Jack starts spouting out the obvious again, except in a stupid, i-am-pretty-sure-loki-sucks-forever-let’s-all-hate-him-forever kind of way and Robinhood just can’t believe a word of it.

Obviously this means he’s got a boner for Loki.

So now that I’ve re-hashed the entire beginning of the movie for you because it was enjoyable for me and I don’t give a shit if you liked the fact that I did it or not this is my writing time here if you don’t like get gtfo

I’m going to tell you to pretty much say fuck everything I wrote except the Robinhood-having-boner-for-Loki part. Now they’re in an AU where the coronation was ruined, but things worked out closer to the way Loki wanted and they got caught by Odin before everything got really, really bad, but right after Loki’s arm was all blue and frost giant-y, and Thor just got grounded and Mjolnir is taken away instead of banishment being the hefty punishment because it turned out that most of the giants were just knocked out and not killed and Laufey accepted Odin’s apology and there wasn’t a war.

Yay, now that we have that done, Robinhood is still sporting a boner for Loki, but Xena and the rest of the party are pissed at him for getting them all in trouble. This is the part where Xena still accuses Loki of being jealous and always wanting the throne and all that lame ass crap that she says because she’s kind of a dick for no particular reason maybe Loki filled her armor with some itching powder or something when they were younger and it got up her ass crack and hasn’t all washed out yet or something

Actually no that would piss me off too

If that happened I think I’d be a dick to him for no reason in particular too

If that’s the case, GO WASH YOUR ASS BETTER

If not you’re just a bitch and I’m leaning toward if not.

Robinhood would feel really bad about what everyone’s saying about how nasty and jealous Loki is because he can’t see it

Then he starts spending more time with loki because thor is grounded that they can’t go out and play together and Xena is kind of mean and nasty when she’s pissed off about something and thor is gone and has assumed leadership of the group while he’s gone but all she wants to do is practice or beat him up and Robinhood is just not really okay with being knocked out after the first week is over

loki’s always in the library or out in the stable with odin’s weird, 8-legged horse, and man, what is even up with that? Why is loki always talking to that thing and huggin it and shit what is this why the hell is he so friendly with that horse and the horse is just like “I am okay with this” no really, Robinhood doesn’t get it, I mean, it’s not like he gave birth or something to that monster horse that Odin decided to make his steed right?

Right?

Right.

Because that would be pretty fucking stupid.


	2. In Which Robinhood Goes To The Library and Loki Loves His Daddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol omg help me

Anyway he starts hanging out with Loki and realizes he’s had the right impression all along; loki’s not a bad dude, just kind of eccentric and shit and values his brother in like, the highest esteem and stuff, wants to make sure he’s gonna be a good king and whatever. He can be a huge dick sometimes and condescending, and his tricks can go a bit too far like that one time he put that itching powder in Xena’s armor and some of it got in her ass crack and never washed out she’s still pissed about it or that one time when he called Robinhood’s beard stupid okay that was less of a trick and more of an insult yeah

He’ll take it back

Learn to love the beard as much as the rest of them

Woah wait

That’s a pretty man-lusty thought right there wow

Uh oh

Looks like robinhood’s contracted a bad case of the Loki-Boners.

Robinhood’s not bothered by that, though, not really because even though das gay it should all work out

Yaoi always does

Except those practically-a-rape-in-comic-form ones

Those are always bad

But this one is more not like that at all. It’s guy love. That’s all it is.

Guy.

Love.

Let’s catch up with Loki.

So Loki’s all kind of butthurt at Thor because well, his brother keeps failing these really easy, really simple tests like the ‘don’t be a douche’ test and the ‘don’t be stupid’ test and the exceptionally important and difficult ‘don’t cause a war to almost break out between any of the nine realms because a good king, a mildy intelligent person or even a fucking moon-touched idiot sheep-fucker could see that’s a bad thing’ test.

But wait what ever happened with that thing with Loki’s arm?

The AU demands Loki still finds out about it.

So he does.

And because I am lazy, it’s basically in exactly the same way as was portayed in the movie I watched about this very same thing except it was not a fanfiction and there was less butt touching at the end.

Oh noooooo loki is actually adopted and an unwanted frost giant runt-baby political tool! Sadness.

He thought he was wanted. There’s some sudden tension between Odin and Loki, but because he didn’t have to banish Thor and because the realms are no longer on the brink of war, Odin manages to fall into The Odinsleep after working through a bit of the problem with Loki, so he’s just pissed and having a mild identity crisis instead of turning into a rampaging lunatic.

He decides it would be better if he kept the fact that he was a huge blue unwanted frost giant runt-baby monster thing a secret, even from his brother, and only discusses it with his mother, whom he is also a bit peeved at.

Well, peeved doesn’t really cover it, but because Tom Hiddleston’s face is so expressive and I’m really, really fucking distracted by it and the fact that Chris, I mean, Thor has some really nice abs we’re not gonna bother looking up a better word or elaborating just take my word he’s still messed up about it

Because I am the author and creative licenses stuff things bullshit

Shut up

Shut up is why

Now that my AU is perfectly designed to fill my fanfictiony, fangirly needs to a fucking T because I fucked up the movie’s story universe so badly, but not so badly as changing it into a highschool AU, I will continue.

Wow look at these fucking decorations around this palace

Are those fucking elaborate as shit or what

Just wow

Look at those fucking intricate details

And then Loki starts spending a lot of time in the library reading up on Frost Giants and all that crap

But wait Heimdall typically knows everything so we’re gonna go back to the part where I was developing the AU and say that Odin told Heimdall to keep his very attractive and loyal mouth shut about what loki was from the time Loki was a baby til whenever Odin said it was okay to unzip those beautiful lips.

Wow okay, Frost Giants have a really interesting past and history and culture and it’s kind of savage in parts but this reading is pretty cool

Okay I’m bored let’s fast-forward-

-his butt was being touched very sexually by Robinhood-

Wait, too far, back up a bit

Loki was having a hard on for this because his butt was being touched very sexually by Robinhood-

No, stop! You’re ruining everything just go back to the fucking Frost Giant part already holy fuckdigk shfit

Anyway, these big people called Frost Giants who are kind of monsterlike were all, “We need some more frozen-ass wastelands let’s attack Midgard for no reason and turn it into Ice Hell.” Except it was kind of more like they-

Oh, you fucking

Fine

That is a great place to continue the story

We already read it, we already know it so yeah great. You are a fucking genius

-were pissed off that they lived in this shitty ass-

I hate you

-frosty cone snow-globe and wanted to ruin everyone else’s-

FUCK

lives.

Robinhood is pretty bored and his last bout with Xena went kind of badly when they decided to wrestle around and she accidentally wrenched his arm out of its socket

What a bitch

It was just play fighting god

Why does she always take it so badly when he tries to jokingly cop a feel of her boobs

I should probably write that she apologized and felt really bad because she hadn’t meant to throw him down so hard his arm almost ripped off so people don’t get mad and think I don’t like her because I do she’s kind of cool

Hm

Nah

Anyway Xena & Co. invite him out to party this one evening around like five-ish because as long as there’s ale somewhere in the realm it’s time to party, but he’s down for the count and going around town to get piss drunk is more fun with both arms being usable so he can have a lusty, busty babe under each one and double fist those tankards at the same time, but since the one will be out of commission for the next day or two he passes and decides now would be a good time to go pester the ever living shit out of Loki

And wow those boners came back again how

coincidental

Suddenly we are at the library and so is Robinhood and unsurprisingly or maybe surprisingly if you hadn’t been following the direction this fanfiction was going, so is Loki wow convenient

Kudos

To

Me

And my spectacular foreshadowing

Right there see what I am doing

I am setting things up for something great pay some fucking attention

Loki’s sitting in the back of the big, grand library doing some important reading and research on those frost giants and just minding his own business like he usually does not that he’s really interested too much in anyone else’s business or that he really has anyone else’s business to be interested in aside from his own or Thor’s because he’s not very popular remember and doesn’t have any friends except for the fake ones that only like him because of the crown prince

He’s kinda trying to get his mind off the fact that his dad might not wake up because even though he’s really pissed at him right now, he still loves him and years of family history isn’t going to be erased in the span of mere seconds over this situation

Loki loves his daddy

But not in the badtouch way

That’s a different ship for a different fic

Robinhood likes to read sometimes, especially the books on sword fighting techniques they were pretty cool and the ones with flowery poems and stuff but lately he’d been a bit busy with following Thor’s dumb ass around and causing major messes and problems and shit for Odin to read anything

He’d also been busy too admiring Loki’s fine buttocks, too, when Thor’s brother chose to walk in front of the four warriors and beside Thor. Oooooooooooooooohyeeeeeaaaaah he’d like to see the sun setting behind those two beautiful mountains if you were catching his drift


End file.
